"a taste of thai" pad thai noodles

these noodle boxes are actually pretty good in terms of $4.29 boxed dinners. i liked the "peanut noodles" flavor better (isnt pad thai pretty much the same as peanut noodles?? apparently not).

instructions:

• open box and find a packet of stringy clearish things that must be noodles, a silver packet of "sauce", and a vacuum sealed pack of "peanuts" that dont look, smell, or taste like peanuts. 
• read instructions on back of box. feel temporarily confused because you accidentally read them in the order "1. ... 3. ... 2. ... 4. ...". Fill box with water to the fill line which is conveniently marked ONLY on the outside, so you basically have to guess how much water to use
• instructions say to add the sauce to the water, then the noodles. struggle to open the packet of sauce. cant find a little tear line so try using teeth. squeeze packet too hard so when you finally get it open, it makes a mess. sigh and shake your head.
• put the sauce in the water. it has the consistency of jelly and just sits at the bottom of the water. feel kind of grossed out. stir it in and it looks a bit better. 
• put the noodles in the saucy-water. they definitely dont fit very well, so half of them are above the water and the other half are below. try to break them with your fork and push them all in but they are slightly too pliable. shrug and hope it works anyways.
• not feeling very hopeful, put it in the microwave for 2:00 with the top of the box open as instructed.
• while waiting, contemplate what kind of stupid graphic designer placed the instructions on the box. obviously steps 1 and 2 should be on the first line and 3 and 4 on the second. the microwave buzzer startles you and you are pulled back to reality.

• pull the box out of the microwave. it is hotter than you expected, almost drop it on the ground. curse at it and look at the instructions again. stir noodles (aka push them all the way under the water, apparently) and microwave for another minute.
• grab a beer from the fridge. look for the bottle opener but someone must have taken it. try to open it on the counter but accidentally just dent the counter. try to remember where your lighter is to attempt opening it with that but you are interrupted by the microwave buzzer. 
• take noodles out. accidentally burn yourself again. look sadly into the box, where it looks like gross sauce-water noodle soup. start thinking about what else you could possibly eat if this doesnt work out. 
• shut box and wait for a minute, as the instructions instruct. rummage through cabinets and fridge hopefully. find: a nearly empty bottle of honey, an empty box of oreos, reeses peanut butter cups you forgot about in the freezer, and some raspberry-flavored kefir. looks bleak.
• open box. miraculously, noodles look like noodles and smell actually kind of good. add the vacuum sealed "peanuts". stir. consume. enjoy a pleasantly surprising <5min <$5 meal. 

whisky on the rocks

i've decided that drinks are going to count as dinner for the purposes of this blog because, well frankly my range of eats is fairly small when i am preparing for just myself and i dont want to run out of things to talk about.

also drinks can count as dinner sometimes.

anyways: whisky on the rocks:

• go to scotland and have some hours to burn in edinburgh. wander around aimlessly. go into a whisky shop to look around. 
• chat with the guy working who turns out to be the owner. he is really nice and lets you sample like 10 whiskys. after each one go "hmm" and put on your best analyst face. try to say something profound, like "this one tastes like bacon"
• buy the one that tastes like bacon because it was the most interesting
• go home and check the freezer for ice. if you have some, put it in a cup. else find an ice pack or something else encrusted with ice and use a fork to try to scrape some of it off. unfortunately most of it will NOT land in the cup and also melt immediately upon touching anything. give up. 
• pour some whisky in the cup. i've heard of "two fingers of whisky" before so like i dunno maybe that much unless your cup is like really large diameter in which case less than that i guess. 
• sip. swallow. try not to make a funny face. 
• spend a few seconds mentally examining the nuances of the flavor but thoughts are interrupted by "maybe this would be better mixed with something"
• try to find coke
• try to find lemonade
• contemplate mixing with water, which people say is okay but it just sounds weird. 
• raise eyebrows, shrug, and kill the glass in a few big sips
• take drunk selfies in photobooth and enjoy the rest of your night
• 
  
  

desperation dining

this is a good meal to make if you have literally nothing in your house except exactly these ingredients. if you have more than just this, I suggest you think about making something else.

today we will be making a bagel with butter on it and a veggie burger patty. 

instructions:

• take bagel out of bag. hope that it's a brand that comes pre-cut. if not, cut it. preferably with a bread knife but realistically any object that comes to a blunt point or edge of some sort will do. 
• caution: if your knife has little teeth and holes in it, it is likely a *cheese knife* and you will likely *hurt yourself* because those fuckers are sharp. 
• set your toaster to either "lukewarm bread" or "sheet of carbon" depending on preference since those are apparently the only things a toaster can produce. I chose the latter for today. 
• note: if you have an oven-style toaster then you are out of luck because i dont know how to do that.
• put the bagel in the toaster and press the thingy down so the bagel goes down.
• while bagel is idling or burning, remove box of veggie burgers from freezer. hope that the package says something other than "microwave for 2:30" because when you tried that last, you ended up eating something that tasted like a hockey puck made of straw. hopefully you can find a better way to cook them since you bought 3 boxes (that's 12 patties!) on sale.
• notice that the package says you can "spray both sides of burger with non-stick vegetable oil spray and heat for 12 minutes in skillet". since you dont really know what a skillet is, just use a regular pan. also, since you dont have vegetable spray (also that shit is kinda weird) just put a chunk of butter in the pan. heat it till it kinda looks sparkly and bubbly. that's when it's hot.
• put the patty in the pan and check on your toast. it is probably burnt.
• if you are lucky, your butter will be soft and easily spreadable. however, i keep my butter in the fridge so it is rock-solid. cut smallish slabs of it and put them on the bagel. it's hopefully hot, so the butter might melt.
• check on the patty. since you're not really sure what's supposed to be happening, poke it with a fork a few times and flip it over. 
• wait a few more minutes until it feels like food when you poke it. 
• remove from pan and put on plate. by now the butter should be either very melty or already melted and soaked into the bagel. if it's still a little solid, spread it around a bit with the nearest utensil. if not, oh well. 
• quench your thirst with some weird dairy drink that you bought for like $6 or some shit at the local coop because your sister said it is good for you. hopefully it's good--I thought the peach flavor was pretty tasty.
  
  
  
  
  

ANNIES aged cheddar shells

today, on fiveCENTdinners:
annies mac and cheese from a box

instructions:

• boil some water (dunno how much, just make sure it looks like enough)
• put the pasta in the water, dont forget to remove cheesy packet
• go back to yr computer for a bit
• hear it boil over and run to the kitchen to turn the heat down before something breaks
• after a little while, taste a shell to see if it's done. make sure the shell part is filled with boiling water so it scalds your mouth and you swear at it. 
• once it's done, "use a collander to remove excess water" which actually means try to use the lid of the pot to keep the pasta in but pour the water out. accidentally spill ~5% of your pasta in the sink. feel free to swear again. 
• look at package and it says "add 3tsp nonfat milk. if you like a creamier pasta, add 1 tsp nonsalted butter". pour some 2% milk in (measuring is for chumps) and add as much salted butter as you want. 
• notice that the package says to make the sauce separately and then pour on pasta. fuck that, just mix it all together now
• stir stir stir
• by now all the cheesy powder should be stuck inside the shells because yr stupid and mixed everything together. stir until you get bored and anyways, the super cheesy shells are the best ones. 
• grab a spoon or fork or hell maybe even a butterknife to shovel it into yr mouth. enjoy.