desperation dining

this is a good meal to make if you have literally nothing in your house except exactly these ingredients. if you have more than just this, I suggest you think about making something else.

today we will be making a bagel with butter on it and a veggie burger patty. 

instructions:

• take bagel out of bag. hope that it's a brand that comes pre-cut. if not, cut it. preferably with a bread knife but realistically any object that comes to a blunt point or edge of some sort will do. 
• caution: if your knife has little teeth and holes in it, it is likely a *cheese knife* and you will likely *hurt yourself* because those fuckers are sharp. 
• set your toaster to either "lukewarm bread" or "sheet of carbon" depending on preference since those are apparently the only things a toaster can produce. I chose the latter for today. 
• note: if you have an oven-style toaster then you are out of luck because i dont know how to do that.
• put the bagel in the toaster and press the thingy down so the bagel goes down.
• while bagel is idling or burning, remove box of veggie burgers from freezer. hope that the package says something other than "microwave for 2:30" because when you tried that last, you ended up eating something that tasted like a hockey puck made of straw. hopefully you can find a better way to cook them since you bought 3 boxes (that's 12 patties!) on sale.
• notice that the package says you can "spray both sides of burger with non-stick vegetable oil spray and heat for 12 minutes in skillet". since you dont really know what a skillet is, just use a regular pan. also, since you dont have vegetable spray (also that shit is kinda weird) just put a chunk of butter in the pan. heat it till it kinda looks sparkly and bubbly. that's when it's hot.
• put the patty in the pan and check on your toast. it is probably burnt.
• if you are lucky, your butter will be soft and easily spreadable. however, i keep my butter in the fridge so it is rock-solid. cut smallish slabs of it and put them on the bagel. it's hopefully hot, so the butter might melt.
• check on the patty. since you're not really sure what's supposed to be happening, poke it with a fork a few times and flip it over. 
• wait a few more minutes until it feels like food when you poke it. 
• remove from pan and put on plate. by now the butter should be either very melty or already melted and soaked into the bagel. if it's still a little solid, spread it around a bit with the nearest utensil. if not, oh well. 
• quench your thirst with some weird dairy drink that you bought for like $6 or some shit at the local coop because your sister said it is good for you. hopefully it's good--I thought the peach flavor was pretty tasty.